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Controlling Behaviour in Families: Health vs. Overcontrol

Relationships and boundaries in dysfunctional family are always violated. Besides other factors, it happens because of controlling behaviour both from dependent person (alcoholic, aggressor, drug addict, etc.) and often from co-dependent (spouse and children, who adopt roles for survival).

So what's the difference between healthy and controlling families ? Why child from such a family, being an adult, experiences multiple difficulties ?

Controlling Families:

1. Conditional Love

Parents love is given as reward but withdrawn as punishment
Parents feel their children "owe" them
Children have to "earn" parental love

Healthy Families:

1. Nurturing Love

Parental love is relatively constant
Children get affection, attention, and nurturing touch
Children are told they are wanted and loved

2. Disrespect

Children are treated as parental property
Parents use children to satisfy parental needs

2. Respect

Children are seen and valued for who they are
Children's choices are accepted

3. Stifled Speech

Communication is hampered by rules like "Don't ask why" and "Don't say no"
Questioning and dissent are discouraged
Problems are ignored and denied

3. Open Communication

Expressing honest thought is valued more than saying something a certain way
Questioning and dissent are allowed
Problems are acknowledged and addressed

4. Emotional Intolerance

Strong emotions are discouraged or blocked
Feelings are considered dangerous

4. Emotional Freedom

It's okay to feel sadness, fear, anger or joy
Feelings are accepted as natural and give us information

5. Ridicule

Children feel on trial
Children are criticized more than praised

5. Encouragement

Children's potentials are encouraged
Children are praised when they succeed and given compassion when they fail

6. Dogmatic or Chaotic Parenting

Discipline is often harsh and inflexible
Parents see their role as bosses who make their children obey
Parents give children little privacy

6. Consistent Parenting

Parents set appropriate and consistent limits
Parents see their roles as guides and leaders who follow through with rewards and consequences for behaviors
Parents allow children some reasonable control over their own bodies and activities